You need “wins”

It was an unexpected conversation, to say the least.  I was flying home after several days of meetings and was minding my own business when a friendly man sat next to me on the plane.  I fly often and it seems that I attract people who need to talk about their problems.  So when he started delving into my life, it was odd.  I don’t normally share details with strangers – I’m usually the one listening and offering insights.  The roles were turned on this flight and I wasn’t quite sure how it happened.  But for some reason, I just went with it.

It was only about a month after my husband had filed divorce papers without any discussion or input from me.  The divorce was unexpected and he was quite heartless in how he handled the situation.  He had been a cruel husband most of our marriage and he certainly continued in that pattern through the divorce.  Even with the pain I had experienced, I didn’t share the details with many people, certainly not strangers on an airplane.  But this day was different somehow.  This new friend seemed to be divinely inspired in what to ask and what to say.  It was one of those incredible moments when I knew he was the mouthpiece for an important message.

The flight was quite short, just over an hour.  It was an hour that has changed how I look at myself, how I look at relationships and how I will find the confidence to find my future mate.  He told me many powerful things on that flight.  But there one was message that I have pondered and reflected on many times.  Get ready – it’s a life changer!

He told me one of the basic mistakes I made in my relationship was picking someone who did have a recent “win”.  Huh?  What does that mean?

He went on to explain that a confident, capable women needs a man who can keep up with her and will have confidence in himself.  Otherwise, he will become controlling as a way to mask his insecurity.  The type of man I had married was living behind a mask.  He tried to appear charming and charismatic, but ultimately he was very insecure.  As a result, he acted jealous, mean, disrespectful, angry, and even abusive when he felt he doesn’t measure up to me.

I found what he said interesting because what he was saying had a lot of truth to it.  The more he talked, the more I listened.

Then he got to the “wins”.  He said, “You need a man who has recent ‘wins’.  He needs to be actively setting and achieving goals.  He has to have confidence in himself and be driven.  Otherwise, he will attempt to squash you in an effort to hide how little he is accomplishing in his life.  If you want to be able to achieve everything you want, your relationship needs to support you.  You must have a man in your life that is achieving everything he wants.  He has to have successes or ‘wins’ that are recent… not something he did when he was 12 or 20 that he continues to talk about.  It needs to be recent – last week or even yesterday.  And he has to be working on the next thing.  Otherwise, it will never work.”

Wow – he summed up my relationship in a matter of about 30 seconds.  My head was spinning.

Later that night, I recounted the experience to my niece.  She was very intrigued and we had a great conversation about this notion of “wins”.  I loved her insights.  She brought the whole concept full circle when she said that I need to have “wins” to feel confident in attracting men that had “wins”.  Yes, I need wins.  In the past several years, I had really fallen prey to the many hurtful statements made in my relationship.  I needed to create “wins” so I felt deserving of more love, support, patience, gentleness, respect, kindness and joy.

Since these two conversations, I have been watching the people in my life and looking for “wins”.  There is definitely a relationship between the numbers of “wins” someone has recently (and is currently) experiencing and the level of that person’s self-esteem.  I’ve also noticed that as I’ve become aware of my own “wins” and been more determined to have consistent wins, my confidence and self-esteem are improving.  Improving drastically.

Today’s challenge:  In what ways can you create “wins” in your life?  How can you push yourself to achieve something you want in an effort to improve your confidence and joy?  Take a few moments today to determine what “wins” you want and map out a course to achieve them.  Some may be little.  Some may be large.  Listen to your soul and push yourself to accomplish something that will help you feel great about yourself.  Now take the first step to making your next “win” a reality!

Until next time friends,

Tara